POO NEWS: Trump’s Shadow Has Officially Given Up
Imagine being Donald Trump’s shadow. That poor bastard has had one of the most exhausting jobs in America. Everywhere Trump goes, the shadow has to go too. Campaign rallies, airplanes, golf courses, courtrooms, press conferences, White House hallways, international summits, giant stages, motorcades,
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Before we get to the most exhausted-looking shadow in American politics, there is some actual backstory here. President Donald Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping met in Washington during Xi’s September 23–25 state visit to the United States.
The visit included formal ceremonies, meetings and plenty of cameras while the two governments dealt with serious disagreements involving trade, artificial intelligence, Taiwan, Iran and the broader U.S.-China relationship. Reuters described the summit as an effort by both leaders to project stability despite those tensions. Reuters
Then somebody snapped this photograph, and all of that international diplomacy immediately became secondary because Trump’s fucking shadow looks like it has had enough.
Trump is standing there shaking Xi’s hand, doing the presidential photo-op thing while everyone around them looks polished, formal and prepared for history. Meanwhile, down on the red carpet, his shadow looks like it wandered over to the stairs, dropped its ass down and said, “You know what, Donald? Finish this one without me.”
That is what makes this picture so damn funny. The actual man is still upright, still shaking hands and still participating in one of the highest-profile diplomatic events of the week. His shadow looks like a dad who has been dragged through Costco, IKEA and three hours of Christmas shopping and has finally found somewhere to sit.
At Poo News, we conducted our normal highly scientific investigation. We zoomed in on the picture. We stared at it for several seconds. We zoomed in again. Then we laughed because there is absolutely no way to look at that shadow without imagining the poor bastard saying, “Fuck this shit. I’m staying right here.”
Think about the job this shadow has had. It has followed Trump through rallies, airports, press conferences, golf courses, campaign events, White House hallways, court appearances, giant stages, motorcades and enough television cameras to fry a small electrical grid. No vacation. No sick days. No lunch break. No retirement plan. It cannot even quietly unsubscribe from the email list because wherever Trump goes, this poor dark bastard has to show up too.
Then comes another massive international event. There is a red carpet, security everywhere, diplomats standing around, photographers yelling, aides whispering into earpieces and everybody trying to make sure the leaders stand in exactly the right spot. Trump walks forward for another handshake and the shadow seems to have finally reached its contractual limit.
You can almost imagine the argument.
Trump tells it there is another photograph. The shadow says no. Trump says there are cameras. The shadow says there are always fucking cameras. Trump says they have to keep moving. The shadow looks at those stairs and decides this relationship has become toxic.
After decades of loyal service, it has finally discovered boundaries.
The best part is that the shadow does not even look dramatic about it. It is not storming out. It is not throwing anything. It is not demanding a press conference. It just looks fucking tired. That deep, spiritual kind of tired where someone could announce that aliens have landed on the South Lawn and your only response would be, “Cool. Tell them I’ll meet them tomorrow.”
We imagine Trump’s shadow quietly updating its LinkedIn profile from the stairs while the summit continues.
Current position: Presidential Shadow. Experience: too damn much. Specialties include following, looming, standing behind podiums and surviving extended exposure to political bullshit. Desired next position: remote work, preferably attached to a tree.
Poo News attempted to contact the shadow for an official statement, but our completely imaginary sources say it turned off its phone, removed “politics” from its interests and started looking at cabins in Vermont.
The actual Trump-Xi visit involved substantial diplomatic issues, and reports afterward noted that the two countries remained divided on several major subjects despite the public display of cooperation. AP News But photographs sometimes create their own completely unintended story, and this one produced a masterpiece.
Politicians spend enormous amounts of effort controlling images. Where does everyone stand? Who walks first? Which flags are behind them? Where are the cameras? Who gets the handshake? Who gets the red carpet?
Nobody checked with the fucking shadow.
The shadow went rogue.
Maybe it heard one speech too many. Maybe it heard somebody say “historic meeting” and realized it had already survived about 400 historic meetings. Maybe it looked at the stairs and thought, “Those look comfortable as hell.”
Whatever happened, the result is political photography gold. Trump is standing there representing the United States during a major meeting between two global powers while his shadow looks like it just finished the overnight shift at Waffle House, covered somebody else’s shift and then got told the morning guy called in sick.
That motherfucker is done.
There may actually be something oddly relatable about it. Americans have spent years hearing nonstop political arguments, scandals, speeches, breaking-news banners, campaign ads, social-media fights and relatives screaming at each other in Facebook comment sections. Sometimes you do not need another expert panel explaining what everybody is supposed to think.
Sometimes you just need to look at the stairs, sit your ass down and say, “I’ll catch up with you people later.”
Trump kept going.
His shadow gave up.
And for perhaps the first time in the history of presidential shadows, the shadow may have accidentally become the most relatable thing in the photograph.
This has been Poo News, investigating the shit mainstream journalism was understandably too busy covering actual international diplomacy to notice.
Verbal Poo — Share Your Crap Here. www.VerbalPoo.com
The visit included formal ceremonies, meetings and plenty of cameras while the two governments dealt with serious disagreements involving trade, artificial intelligence, Taiwan, Iran and the broader U.S.-China relationship. Reuters described the summit as an effort by both leaders to project stability despite those tensions. Reuters
Then somebody snapped this photograph, and all of that international diplomacy immediately became secondary because Trump’s fucking shadow looks like it has had enough.
Trump is standing there shaking Xi’s hand, doing the presidential photo-op thing while everyone around them looks polished, formal and prepared for history. Meanwhile, down on the red carpet, his shadow looks like it wandered over to the stairs, dropped its ass down and said, “You know what, Donald? Finish this one without me.”
That is what makes this picture so damn funny. The actual man is still upright, still shaking hands and still participating in one of the highest-profile diplomatic events of the week. His shadow looks like a dad who has been dragged through Costco, IKEA and three hours of Christmas shopping and has finally found somewhere to sit.
At Poo News, we conducted our normal highly scientific investigation. We zoomed in on the picture. We stared at it for several seconds. We zoomed in again. Then we laughed because there is absolutely no way to look at that shadow without imagining the poor bastard saying, “Fuck this shit. I’m staying right here.”
Think about the job this shadow has had. It has followed Trump through rallies, airports, press conferences, golf courses, campaign events, White House hallways, court appearances, giant stages, motorcades and enough television cameras to fry a small electrical grid. No vacation. No sick days. No lunch break. No retirement plan. It cannot even quietly unsubscribe from the email list because wherever Trump goes, this poor dark bastard has to show up too.
Then comes another massive international event. There is a red carpet, security everywhere, diplomats standing around, photographers yelling, aides whispering into earpieces and everybody trying to make sure the leaders stand in exactly the right spot. Trump walks forward for another handshake and the shadow seems to have finally reached its contractual limit.
You can almost imagine the argument.
Trump tells it there is another photograph. The shadow says no. Trump says there are cameras. The shadow says there are always fucking cameras. Trump says they have to keep moving. The shadow looks at those stairs and decides this relationship has become toxic.
After decades of loyal service, it has finally discovered boundaries.
The best part is that the shadow does not even look dramatic about it. It is not storming out. It is not throwing anything. It is not demanding a press conference. It just looks fucking tired. That deep, spiritual kind of tired where someone could announce that aliens have landed on the South Lawn and your only response would be, “Cool. Tell them I’ll meet them tomorrow.”
We imagine Trump’s shadow quietly updating its LinkedIn profile from the stairs while the summit continues.
Current position: Presidential Shadow. Experience: too damn much. Specialties include following, looming, standing behind podiums and surviving extended exposure to political bullshit. Desired next position: remote work, preferably attached to a tree.
Poo News attempted to contact the shadow for an official statement, but our completely imaginary sources say it turned off its phone, removed “politics” from its interests and started looking at cabins in Vermont.
The actual Trump-Xi visit involved substantial diplomatic issues, and reports afterward noted that the two countries remained divided on several major subjects despite the public display of cooperation. AP News But photographs sometimes create their own completely unintended story, and this one produced a masterpiece.
Politicians spend enormous amounts of effort controlling images. Where does everyone stand? Who walks first? Which flags are behind them? Where are the cameras? Who gets the handshake? Who gets the red carpet?
Nobody checked with the fucking shadow.
The shadow went rogue.
Maybe it heard one speech too many. Maybe it heard somebody say “historic meeting” and realized it had already survived about 400 historic meetings. Maybe it looked at the stairs and thought, “Those look comfortable as hell.”
Whatever happened, the result is political photography gold. Trump is standing there representing the United States during a major meeting between two global powers while his shadow looks like it just finished the overnight shift at Waffle House, covered somebody else’s shift and then got told the morning guy called in sick.
That motherfucker is done.
There may actually be something oddly relatable about it. Americans have spent years hearing nonstop political arguments, scandals, speeches, breaking-news banners, campaign ads, social-media fights and relatives screaming at each other in Facebook comment sections. Sometimes you do not need another expert panel explaining what everybody is supposed to think.
Sometimes you just need to look at the stairs, sit your ass down and say, “I’ll catch up with you people later.”
Trump kept going.
His shadow gave up.
And for perhaps the first time in the history of presidential shadows, the shadow may have accidentally become the most relatable thing in the photograph.
This has been Poo News, investigating the shit mainstream journalism was understandably too busy covering actual international diplomacy to notice.
Verbal Poo — Share Your Crap Here. www.VerbalPoo.com