POO NEWS: THE GIANT ORANGE PIECE OF SHIT JUST SAID “LET THEM TAKE OUT” SAN DIEGO AND LOS ANGELES
Welcome to Poo News, where we cut through the shit. Unfortunately, this time the shit is president-sized.
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POO NEWS: THE GIANT ORANGE PIECE OF SHIT JUST SAID “LET THEM TAKE OUT” SAN DIEGO AND LOS ANGELES
Donald Trump has spent years telling America how fucking intelligent Donald Trump is. Genius. Highest IQ. Nobody understands anything quite like Donald J. Trump, at least according to the world’s most reliable expert on Donald J. Trump, which happens to be Donald J. Trump. Then the great orange intellectual bowel movement stood in front of a microphone and said, “They can take out a city. Let them take out Los Angeles. Let them take out San Diego.”
Those are his words. Not mine, not CNN’s, and not some liberal interpretation created in a secret basement beneath a Starbucks in California. His fucking words. I live in San Diego, so forgive me if my first reaction wasn’t, “My goodness, what a fascinating geopolitical metaphor.” My reaction was, “What the fuck did this giant orange piece of shit just say?”
The White House says Trump was misunderstood. His communications director says Trump was describing what Iran might have been capable of doing if it obtained nuclear weapons and that Trump was actually arguing the war prevented that threat. Fine. Put that explanation on the record too. Poo News may deal in shit, but unlike Washington, I like mine properly labeled.
Here is my fucking problem. Why does the President of the United States constantly need a team of professional verbal plumbers standing behind him with plungers? Every time this guy opens his mouth, some giant steaming political turd rolls across the floor, and twenty minutes later his staff comes running in wearing Hazmat suits saying, “No, no, no, you misunderstood the shit.” At some point, maybe we didn’t misunderstand the shit. Maybe the shit is just shit, and you cannot keep blaming the fucking toilet.
Trump said Los Angeles. Trump said San Diego. He was talking about American cities, including my city, where millions of Americans live. Families, children, veterans, Marines, sailors, Republicans, Democrats, independents, people who love Trump, people who hate Trump, and people who just want to get to work without paying a fortune for gas or getting stuck behind some asshole doing 48 in the fast lane. They are all Americans.
Can you imagine if Barack Obama had stood at a rally and said something remotely resembling, “Let them take out Dallas. Let them take out Houston”? Holy fucking shit. Fox News would have needed a second network just to cover the outrage, and Congress would have launched investigations before Obama got back to Air Force One. Republicans would have been standing on the Capitol steps screaming about treason, impeachment, patriotism and probably Benghazi somehow. Obama could have sneezed near Texas and somebody would have demanded his birth certificate again.
Imagine Biden saying, “Let them take out Florida.” The political right would have blown a collective hemorrhoid. Yet Trump does it and suddenly we get the National Association of Professional Trump Shit Translators explaining that the giant steaming pile sitting in the middle of the room is actually a beautiful chocolate soufflé if only we understand the context.
I am tired of being told that everybody in America needs a decoder ring to understand the President of the United States. “He didn’t mean it.” “He was joking.” “He was exaggerating.” “He was speaking hypothetically.” “You have to understand Trump.” How many fucking disclaimers does one human being get before we finally admit that maybe the problem is the human being? If your grandpa talked like this at Thanksgiving, eventually somebody would take away the microphone, give him a piece of pie and change the subject. Trump gets the nuclear codes.
This man has become the political equivalent of eating questionable gas-station sushi after twelve tequila shots while suffering from food poisoning, explosive diarrhea and a stomach virus at the exact same time. Trump is political diarrhea with a spray radius. He is the kind of shit where you flush once, watch the water start rising and immediately realize your entire afternoon has just changed. America has been staring at that toilet for years saying, “It’ll probably go down,” while the fucking water keeps rising and Trump stands next to it insisting it is the greatest toilet anybody has ever seen. Beautiful toilet. Perfect flush. Nobody flushes like Trump. Meanwhile, there is shit running down the hallway.
That is where I think history is going to be particularly brutal. Every president eventually becomes associated with something larger than himself. Washington became the founding president. Lincoln became tied to preserving the Union and confronting slavery. FDR became inseparable from the Depression and World War II. Kennedy became Camelot and tragedy. Nixon became Watergate. My personal prediction is that Donald Trump is going to occupy his own special historical category: the Big Orange Shit.
I don’t mean historians are literally going to publish textbooks calling him that, although I would personally donate several Crap Coins to make it happen. I mean generations are going to look back at this period and ask how one man managed to produce this much political shit while convincing millions of people that everybody else was responsible for the smell. That will be the Trump legacy in my mind, a giant orange turd sitting in the middle of American history while everybody argues over who clogged the fucking toilet.
The scarier part is that Trump did not create this shit storm by himself. Presidents need enablers, and Trump has had plenty. Members of Congress looked at behavior they would have treated like a constitutional apocalypse under another president and suddenly decided reelection was more important than having a fucking spine. Senators who knew better became constitutional origami artists, folding themselves into whatever shape kept them politically alive. Operatives, propagandists and professional ass kissers learned how to look straight into a television camera and explain why today’s steaming pile of shit was actually economic fertilizer.
Those elected officials own their part of this history too. Every congressman and senator who abandoned principles because Trump demanded loyalty should have their words preserved. Every official who privately knew something was fucked up but publicly bent the knee should have their quotes preserved. Every person in power who defended behavior under Trump that they would have condemned under Obama should eventually have to explain what magically changed other than the party affiliation of the asshole doing it.
That isn’t revenge. That is a receipt, and Poo News keeps fucking receipts.
California officials condemned Trump’s remarks, and the controversy was not limited to Democrats. That matters because protecting American cities should not require checking voter registration first. San Diego isn’t expendable because California voted one way, and Texas isn’t expendable because Texas voted another way. Los Angeles, Miami, Chicago, Nashville, New York, Dallas and every other American city are part of the same country. Nobody gets to become President of the United States and treat part of the fucking United States like the guest bathroom nobody cares about clogging.
The name of the job is literally President of the United States. You would think the self-proclaimed genius could make it through those two fucking words and understand what they mean. United States means all of them, including the states that didn’t vote for you, the cities that don’t kiss your ass and the Americans who think you are a giant orange piece of shit.
I also keep hearing people say America will eventually “move past” all of this. Maybe, but moving past something and repairing it are two completely different things. You can take a giant shit in somebody’s living room in thirty seconds. Cleaning the carpet takes considerably longer, and America is going to spend years cleaning this fucking carpet.
Political norms have been shredded. Trust in institutions has been battered. Americans have increasingly been encouraged to treat other Americans as enemies instead of neighbors, and every new outrage lasts twelve hours before another one lands on top of it like another turd hitting an already overflowing Porta-Potty at Coachella. Eventually somebody has to clean this fucking thing up.
That may end up being one of Trump’s most enduring contributions to American politics. Not a wall. Not a slogan. Not a golden ballroom. A massive national cleanup operation where future generations are still trying to figure out how the hell so much shit ended up everywhere.
I can already picture the Trump Presidential Library. You walk through the front doors and there is a giant golden toilet in the center with a little plaque reading, “Donald J. Trump, 45th and 47th President of the United States. Please jiggle handle after flushing.” The gift shop sells tiny orange plungers, the children’s section teaches checks and balances using three rolls of toilet paper, and the presidential portrait is scratch-and-sniff, although for obvious reasons I strongly recommend against scratching.
Before anybody starts screaming that I am being disrespectful to the presidency, correct. I am being disrespectful to the man, not the office. I respect the presidency enough to believe the person occupying it should act like the President of the entire United States instead of treating the office like his personal Truth Social toilet. Respect is earned. A title does not magically turn bullshit into wisdom, cruelty into leadership or verbal diarrhea into statesmanship.
I don’t care whether the president has an R or D after the name. If Obama had said, “Let them take out San Diego,” I would call it fucking insane. If Biden had said it, I would call it fucking insane. If the next Democratic president says something like it, I will call that person a fucking idiot too. That isn’t partisan loyalty. That is having a standard higher than “my guy’s shit smells better.”
Trump’s defenders are entitled to argue that the statement is being interpreted unfairly. Read the complete remarks yourself. Watch the video. Look at the context and make your own judgment. The White House says he was describing the danger Iran could pose rather than literally inviting an attack on American cities, and readers can decide whether that explanation makes the language better.
My conclusion is still pretty fucking simple. I think Donald Trump is a giant orange piece of political shit, not because somebody on television told me to think that, not because he is a Republican, and not because California and Trump have spent years kicking each other in the balls. I think it because I have ears, I hear the words, I watch the behavior and I am entitled to form my own opinion about the President of the United States.
History will eventually make its own judgment, probably using much more sophisticated language than I do. Historians may write about authoritarian tendencies, institutional degradation, political polarization, cults of personality and the erosion of democratic norms. Poo News can save them several hundred pages.
Big orange shit.
Welcome to Poo News, where we cut through the shit. Unfortunately, this time the shit is president-sized.
Donald Trump has spent years telling America how fucking intelligent Donald Trump is. Genius. Highest IQ. Nobody understands anything quite like Donald J. Trump, at least according to the world’s most reliable expert on Donald J. Trump, which happens to be Donald J. Trump. Then the great orange intellectual bowel movement stood in front of a microphone and said, “They can take out a city. Let them take out Los Angeles. Let them take out San Diego.”
Those are his words. Not mine, not CNN’s, and not some liberal interpretation created in a secret basement beneath a Starbucks in California. His fucking words. I live in San Diego, so forgive me if my first reaction wasn’t, “My goodness, what a fascinating geopolitical metaphor.” My reaction was, “What the fuck did this giant orange piece of shit just say?”
The White House says Trump was misunderstood. His communications director says Trump was describing what Iran might have been capable of doing if it obtained nuclear weapons and that Trump was actually arguing the war prevented that threat. Fine. Put that explanation on the record too. Poo News may deal in shit, but unlike Washington, I like mine properly labeled.
Here is my fucking problem. Why does the President of the United States constantly need a team of professional verbal plumbers standing behind him with plungers? Every time this guy opens his mouth, some giant steaming political turd rolls across the floor, and twenty minutes later his staff comes running in wearing Hazmat suits saying, “No, no, no, you misunderstood the shit.” At some point, maybe we didn’t misunderstand the shit. Maybe the shit is just shit, and you cannot keep blaming the fucking toilet.
Trump said Los Angeles. Trump said San Diego. He was talking about American cities, including my city, where millions of Americans live. Families, children, veterans, Marines, sailors, Republicans, Democrats, independents, people who love Trump, people who hate Trump, and people who just want to get to work without paying a fortune for gas or getting stuck behind some asshole doing 48 in the fast lane. They are all Americans.
Can you imagine if Barack Obama had stood at a rally and said something remotely resembling, “Let them take out Dallas. Let them take out Houston”? Holy fucking shit. Fox News would have needed a second network just to cover the outrage, and Congress would have launched investigations before Obama got back to Air Force One. Republicans would have been standing on the Capitol steps screaming about treason, impeachment, patriotism and probably Benghazi somehow. Obama could have sneezed near Texas and somebody would have demanded his birth certificate again.
Imagine Biden saying, “Let them take out Florida.” The political right would have blown a collective hemorrhoid. Yet Trump does it and suddenly we get the National Association of Professional Trump Shit Translators explaining that the giant steaming pile sitting in the middle of the room is actually a beautiful chocolate soufflé if only we understand the context.
I am tired of being told that everybody in America needs a decoder ring to understand the President of the United States. “He didn’t mean it.” “He was joking.” “He was exaggerating.” “He was speaking hypothetically.” “You have to understand Trump.” How many fucking disclaimers does one human being get before we finally admit that maybe the problem is the human being? If your grandpa talked like this at Thanksgiving, eventually somebody would take away the microphone, give him a piece of pie and change the subject. Trump gets the nuclear codes.
This man has become the political equivalent of eating questionable gas-station sushi after twelve tequila shots while suffering from food poisoning, explosive diarrhea and a stomach virus at the exact same time. Trump is political diarrhea with a spray radius. He is the kind of shit where you flush once, watch the water start rising and immediately realize your entire afternoon has just changed. America has been staring at that toilet for years saying, “It’ll probably go down,” while the fucking water keeps rising and Trump stands next to it insisting it is the greatest toilet anybody has ever seen. Beautiful toilet. Perfect flush. Nobody flushes like Trump. Meanwhile, there is shit running down the hallway.
That is where I think history is going to be particularly brutal. Every president eventually becomes associated with something larger than himself. Washington became the founding president. Lincoln became tied to preserving the Union and confronting slavery. FDR became inseparable from the Depression and World War II. Kennedy became Camelot and tragedy. Nixon became Watergate. My personal prediction is that Donald Trump is going to occupy his own special historical category: the Big Orange Shit.
I don’t mean historians are literally going to publish textbooks calling him that, although I would personally donate several Crap Coins to make it happen. I mean generations are going to look back at this period and ask how one man managed to produce this much political shit while convincing millions of people that everybody else was responsible for the smell. That will be the Trump legacy in my mind, a giant orange turd sitting in the middle of American history while everybody argues over who clogged the fucking toilet.
The scarier part is that Trump did not create this shit storm by himself. Presidents need enablers, and Trump has had plenty. Members of Congress looked at behavior they would have treated like a constitutional apocalypse under another president and suddenly decided reelection was more important than having a fucking spine. Senators who knew better became constitutional origami artists, folding themselves into whatever shape kept them politically alive. Operatives, propagandists and professional ass kissers learned how to look straight into a television camera and explain why today’s steaming pile of shit was actually economic fertilizer.
Those elected officials own their part of this history too. Every congressman and senator who abandoned principles because Trump demanded loyalty should have their words preserved. Every official who privately knew something was fucked up but publicly bent the knee should have their quotes preserved. Every person in power who defended behavior under Trump that they would have condemned under Obama should eventually have to explain what magically changed other than the party affiliation of the asshole doing it.
That isn’t revenge. That is a receipt, and Poo News keeps fucking receipts.
California officials condemned Trump’s remarks, and the controversy was not limited to Democrats. That matters because protecting American cities should not require checking voter registration first. San Diego isn’t expendable because California voted one way, and Texas isn’t expendable because Texas voted another way. Los Angeles, Miami, Chicago, Nashville, New York, Dallas and every other American city are part of the same country. Nobody gets to become President of the United States and treat part of the fucking United States like the guest bathroom nobody cares about clogging.
The name of the job is literally President of the United States. You would think the self-proclaimed genius could make it through those two fucking words and understand what they mean. United States means all of them, including the states that didn’t vote for you, the cities that don’t kiss your ass and the Americans who think you are a giant orange piece of shit.
I also keep hearing people say America will eventually “move past” all of this. Maybe, but moving past something and repairing it are two completely different things. You can take a giant shit in somebody’s living room in thirty seconds. Cleaning the carpet takes considerably longer, and America is going to spend years cleaning this fucking carpet.
Political norms have been shredded. Trust in institutions has been battered. Americans have increasingly been encouraged to treat other Americans as enemies instead of neighbors, and every new outrage lasts twelve hours before another one lands on top of it like another turd hitting an already overflowing Porta-Potty at Coachella. Eventually somebody has to clean this fucking thing up.
That may end up being one of Trump’s most enduring contributions to American politics. Not a wall. Not a slogan. Not a golden ballroom. A massive national cleanup operation where future generations are still trying to figure out how the hell so much shit ended up everywhere.
I can already picture the Trump Presidential Library. You walk through the front doors and there is a giant golden toilet in the center with a little plaque reading, “Donald J. Trump, 45th and 47th President of the United States. Please jiggle handle after flushing.” The gift shop sells tiny orange plungers, the children’s section teaches checks and balances using three rolls of toilet paper, and the presidential portrait is scratch-and-sniff, although for obvious reasons I strongly recommend against scratching.
Before anybody starts screaming that I am being disrespectful to the presidency, correct. I am being disrespectful to the man, not the office. I respect the presidency enough to believe the person occupying it should act like the President of the entire United States instead of treating the office like his personal Truth Social toilet. Respect is earned. A title does not magically turn bullshit into wisdom, cruelty into leadership or verbal diarrhea into statesmanship.
I don’t care whether the president has an R or D after the name. If Obama had said, “Let them take out San Diego,” I would call it fucking insane. If Biden had said it, I would call it fucking insane. If the next Democratic president says something like it, I will call that person a fucking idiot too. That isn’t partisan loyalty. That is having a standard higher than “my guy’s shit smells better.”
Trump’s defenders are entitled to argue that the statement is being interpreted unfairly. Read the complete remarks yourself. Watch the video. Look at the context and make your own judgment. The White House says he was describing the danger Iran could pose rather than literally inviting an attack on American cities, and readers can decide whether that explanation makes the language better.
My conclusion is still pretty fucking simple. I think Donald Trump is a giant orange piece of political shit, not because somebody on television told me to think that, not because he is a Republican, and not because California and Trump have spent years kicking each other in the balls. I think it because I have ears, I hear the words, I watch the behavior and I am entitled to form my own opinion about the President of the United States.
History will eventually make its own judgment, probably using much more sophisticated language than I do. Historians may write about authoritarian tendencies, institutional degradation, political polarization, cults of personality and the erosion of democratic norms. Poo News can save them several hundred pages.
Big orange shit.
Welcome to Poo News, where we cut through the shit. Unfortunately, this time the shit is president-sized.
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